I really hate how easily I get stuck in my own mind. It literally takes almost nothing to send me down a spiral that doesn’t seem to have an end.
I don’t know how to explain that to people.
I don’t know how to explain that I say “I’m sorry” a lot because I’m really just apologetic for my own existence.
My voice doesn’t shake when I speak, but my heart sure does. So when I seem bold, my heart is throwing jabs at my rib cage just begging to break free of the chains around it that I call anxiety. I don’t know how to explain that.
I don’t know how to explain that I didn’t come to class because my depression was so bad when I woke up that I couldn’t move, so I stayed in my bed paralyzed by the fear that if I did get up, I wouldn’t be able to handle the world that day.
The thing I really don’t know how to explain is that I feel like a boxer who has gone through multiple rounds taking haymakers with nothing to defend himself but his own hands and it doesn’t feel like this match is ever ever end. How I feel like I’m a cat with 9 lives and I’ve already used up 13 and now I’m barely more than a skeleton walking around, pretending that I’ve figured it out this time.